Fixating on God

About a year and a half ago I really felt impressed to start keeping better record of some of the mental pictures God was giving me of my relationship with Him. I would usually write them down in my journal, but then I wouldn't have a clue where they were and, to be honest, I'd totally forget I'd even written them. So, I started keeping them on the computer. My goal is to go back into my written journals and reread them, putting old entries onto the computer. I am going to start with the oldest one saved on the computer and go from there, posting them here on my blog. I will intersperse them with the new things the Lord is showing me, along with some other thoughts and tidbits. So, here's the first one from October of 2006...

Fixating on God

My eight-week old was fixated on me. We’d had a rough night. Steven woke up at 3:15 AM hyper as could be. This was unusual for him because he usually slept well at night, waking for feedings and then going right back to sleep. He’d eaten only an hour before, so he wasn’t hungry – just hyper and wide-eyed. So, I was up and I was worn out. I did get a few winks – some while wrestling with him in the recliner and then another precious hour and a half in bed when he slept after his 6:00 feeding. Needless to say, I was agitated when I got up. Tired and short with my five-year-old and three-year-old, I knew I needed a quiet time. I wasn’t really in the mood to read the prophets, but I read anyway. But, it wasn’t the Bible reading that spoke to me this morning. I was open to the message of the Lord because I’d been willing to sit down and read the prophets. But, it was my child – the very same one who had kept me up most of the night – who brought the Lord’s message to me. Steven was awake and snuggly, as he frequently is during the day, so I held him as I was reading. Every now and then I looked up from my reading to find Steven just staring at me, studying every line in my face. When I would look at him, he would grin from ear to ear, delighted that I would turn my attention to him. I didn’t want to turn away from him – he was so beautiful and his smile was so rewarding. But, I would turn and continue my reading only to stop a few minutes later to receive another grin.

Then God spoke. Gently, softly, but very clearly. “My child, it gives me great joy to see your face turned on me.” Could it be that the joy I felt under Steven’s intent gaze is the same joy God feels when I look upon Him? How much joy do I rob from the heart of my incredible Father simply because I am more interested in everything else in my life? Steven was so focused on me that even his desire for his missing pacifier (which he temporarily replaced with his thumb!) or the ferocious hiccups racking his little body could not pull his little eyes from my face. He was so focused that even when my eyes were turned away, he continued to gaze upon me, waiting for the moment when I would turn toward him and grant him a smile. My attention as Steven’s mother was divided, but God’s attention as our perfect Father is NEVER divided. He keeps His eyes on us and never turns away. His eyes are on me just as constantly as they are on you, and He is just waiting for the time when we will come to Him like little children – like eight week old infants – and just stare into His face. He is waiting for us to crave nothing but a smile from Him. He is waiting for us to fixate. Are we willing to delight the heart of the Lord?