No Comparison

(Written 5-2-08)
I remember a friend I had as a teenager. We were very different. I was the quiet, shy social outcast where she was the life of the party. Over the years that tended to put a damper on our relationship because there were many times she was ashamed to be seen with me. I was the friend to have along when there wasn’t anyone else.

I think if we were to dig deeper into the relationship, though, our social differences weren’t really the reason for the issues in our friendship. It really boiled down to the fact that outwardly I was the model child and she was not. I was a perfectionist people pleaser. She was the independent explorer. She wanted to live life! I wanted to be respected. There’s a beauty in both personalities, and God created both with incredible potential. Unfortunately, there is a social expectation placed on the children of people in the ministry to be the perfectionist people pleasers, not the independent explorers. I remember my friend telling me once that her father asked her, in a moment of displeasure, “Why can’t you be more like Ann?!” Of course, that hurt her. He wasn’t appreciating her for who she was. So, she became rebellious and she and her parents lived through much heartache and pain because of it.

What brought this all to mind? Well, we’ve had a rough day today. My girls have really pushed my buttons. Angela is four and a half and still wets her panties simply because she doesn’t choose to stop and go to the bathroom. How do I know this is the reason? Well, if she is bribed enough, she goes to the bathroom! It’s a choice! Today she wet her panties and then lied about it. Olivia, almost seven, chose to be very, very selfish today. She decided that if she couldn’t have what she wanted, neither could her two siblings. Unfortunately, I lost my temper with both girls for these issues and several others today. So, by lunch time we were all three in tears. We finally had to stop, find a way to laugh, and move on with apologies and forgiveness.

So, how does this fit with the story of my friend, you ask? Well, I caught myself comparing the girls today. Not verbally, but definitely in my heart. “Why can’t Angie stay dry like Livie did?” or “Angie is so considerate…why can’t Livie be more like that?” Why? Because they are different! They both have strengths and weaknesses. They both have areas where they struggle. They both have areas where they excel. They are not the same. In fact, those two have had personalities as different as night and day since the day they were born! In comparing them to each other, I’m only making them feel guilty because each one struggles with things that come naturally to the other.

How often do we do that to each other as spiritual children? The one who easily trusts chides another for lack of faith. The one who can spend hours in focused prayer can’t understand the one who prays best through popcorn prayers throughout the day. The one who has read through the Bible dozens of times doesn’t quite understand why everyone can’t just sit down and do the same!

A perfect example can be seen in the relationship between a certain young woman in her late teens and her grandmother, who has raised her. The granddaughter has an exceptional ability to relate Scripture to everything she encounters in her day. I passed by her classroom one day to find her rushing for her Bible to show a fellow teacher what God says in his Word about something she was struggling with. Her grandmother, a woman who loves God and seeks to serve Him with every fiber of her being, is just the opposite. She struggles with even reading the Bible. Some days she feels like she can’t make the words come together to make a coherent thought, much less have the ability to apply it in her daily life. When others preach sermons or lead Bible studies – or even when her own granddaughter reads and applies Scripture – she is floored, and even sometimes a bit envious, at their ability to glean truths from Scripture. But, once she hears the message, that same Scripture that meant nothing to her before will now take on a whole new meaning for her.

God made us each with our strengths and our weaknesses. He didn’t allow us weaknesses as an excuse to not do. (The grandmother must still be willing to read her Bible for herself and trust God to illuminate it for her!) Rather, he made us all unique and different. If all were prayer warriors, who would go and work? If all were preachers, who would spend hours in prayer? If all were workers, spreading the Gospel among the lost, who would be left to disciple the growing Christian?

When a weakness rears its head in one of my children, I must not compare her to her sister. Rather I should deal with her weakness on its own and build up her strengths. In the same way, we must build up and encourage one another in the faith to be all God has created us to be. We can’t force each other into roles we are not equipped for, but rather must find where we are strongest. A foot, although it may work hard at being a substitute for a hand in a crisis, will never be able to fully operate as a hand. In the same way, we cannot truly excel where we are not intended to excel.