Who I Am

Many of you know that this past spring I decided to make a change. I became a red-head.

For as long as I can remember, I've always wished I had a head full of thick, red hair. Maybe not bright red, but a nice, deep auburn. Martina McBride's hair comes to mind.

I couldn't do anything to make it thick, but I finally got up the guts to go for the red. It was a shock at first, but I liked it. Knowing that my sweet hubby likes red hair gave me the courage I needed to try. He wasn't disappointed either.

This past week I went back to brown. There were several reasons, but essentially I was just ready. And, it does feel good to be brown-haired again.

It seems that often I desire to be something more or different than what I am now.

As a homeschooler, there is this extraordinary image of a young mother who has perfectly behaved children, can turn any situation into a teachable moment, and has a craft for every celebration or learning experience. There are many times I try to be just that, and I fail miserably. My children are normal, and they are not always perfectly well-behaved. I frequently just want to enjoy life, so I miss out on some of those teachable moments. Occasionally I have a great craft idea that is lots of fun, but I don't typically enjoy crafts. I don't like planning them, and I don't like doing them. So, does that make me a bad homeschooler? Sometimes I feel that it does, and other days I just realize that it's who I am - who God made me to be. My children are learning, and what we do works for us. So, who I am might be just fine.

As a pastor's wife, I so often long to be something I'm not. There is this mental image of what a pastor's wife should be. She should play piano, be soft-spoken and sweet but also very socially adept. She should enjoy teaching children. She should love the social events of the church and regularly make her rounds to greet everyone. She should always have notes ready to send as people need them, and she should be comfortable around the church kitchen. To be honest, I'm none of those things. I'm opinionated. I don't play the piano, and I really do not enjoy teaching (other people's) children. Some of the social aspects of being a pastor's wife terrify me! I don't start conversations well, and it's very hard for me to make the rounds and talk to people. I've never been good at writing notes, and I'm lost in a church kitchen - or anyone else's kitchen for that matter. If you don't tell me what to do, I might as well just not even be there because I'm intimidated by those who seem to be able to just jump in and know how to handle everything.

So, am I a bad pastor's wife? In some eyes, yes I am. But, again, I am who God made me to be. I can and do try to meet expectation (except for the piano playing - I just can't do it!), but in the end I just have to focus most of my energy into my areas of strength.

Sometimes we have to branch out and try to move beyond ourselves. Sometimes we should try something bold and new - like red hair! But, ultimately, we have to realize that God gave us specific characteristics and strengths for a reason. The things that are my weaknesses are someone else's strengths, and that's okay.

And as I enjoy the return to the society of brown-haired people, I'm going to remember to be bold sometimes, but to also celebrate being just who He made me to be.