Trust

You know, it's so ironic that when I went to post yesterday, the one that was next in my archives of journal entries was the one on trust. Why is it ironic? Because it's just the thing I'm struggling with today. I had to go back and read it, and I'm having to come face to face with my struggle. Yuk! I'm realizing that I trust God with my head - I know that He's going to take care of the issue forefront in my mind right now. But, my emotions are not coming in line with that. I feel the fingers of blahness and depression beginning to grip me, and I don't like it. Here's the deal. Next week is our vacation. We're not really doing anything extraordinary for our vacation - we're just going to get to be together instead of having to go to work. But, there were a couple of things that we were going to be able to get done next week that really were going to make life easier for us. I needed to have two appointments. One is already set for next Friday, but the other one, the one that has to come before next Friday's appointment, has not yet been set. Setting that one depends on something else - something I have no control over. And that something else has not happened, so I can't set the first appointment. By tomorrow or Thursday it will be too late to set the first appointment, if it's not already, and I'll have to cancel the second as well. Then all of our nicely laid plans will be blown out of the water. Child care is hard to come by around here, and I'll need it for two appointments instead of it all falling neatly into our vacation time when Doug would be able to keep the kids without trying to get days off work. I'm frustrated. God is in control of all of this, so why can't He just make it all happen? Why is He causing this trouble and making me have to try to figure out my back-up plan?

Why? Because He sees it all!!!!! He sees next week and He knows exactly what's going to happen during that week. He knows when these appointments need to be, and He knows exactly who is going to take care of the kids while I have the appointments. He knows it all! I know nothing about five minutes from now, much less next week! I know all of that in my head, and I'm struggling so much today to get my emotions in line with it. I don't want to be frustrated or irritated about it. I don't want to be upset because I have no control. I want to be joyful. I want to be peaceful. Most of all, I want to trust. I know each one is a choice, but I will be honest - it's a choice I'm struggling to make. I want to be in control and to have everything work out the way I think it should. It's hard to relinquish that. But I will. I WILL make the choice! I WILL!